Okay, maybe not hate. I don’t hate anyone. Once you get crossed off my Christmas wish list, I’m just very apathetic towards you.
As today is Labor Day, I am supposed to go over and see my family. No problem. I called them to make sure they were at home and my mother and I got into a huge argument. Over what? My sister.
My sister is 20 years old. She still lives at home, has never had a serious boyfriend, and is very unmotivated. She is very overweight (clocking in at 300lbs) and very dependent on my parents. Her self-esteem is 0. When we were growing up, she was my responsibility. Point blank. It was “Why didn’t you make sure she got her books?!” or “Why didn’t you make sure she did this right?!”. My favorite was my father forcing me to help keep her room clean because she wasn’t responsible enough to do it herself (we were teenagers). Needless to say, I resented her. And I still do.
I know I shouldn’t. Growing up, my parents did the best they could. With that being said, they were far from perfect parents. My father would tell my sister that she was destined to be a “big, nasty dyke”. He told me repeatedly that I “didn’t have common sense”. This resulted in me being afraid to travel by myself when I had finally left home. I was also afraid of making big decisions on my own. He told (and still tells) my sister that she isn’t smart, motivated, etc. He is unknowingly weaving a chain of mental abuse around her. This, along with not really ever having true responsibility, has made my sister what she is today.
She can’t drive. She’s been in community college going on 3 years now–and she’ll probably have to stay a 4th year. She is not interested in maintaining grades good enough to move her forward. She has no sense of what she wants to do in life. She is used to being catered to and her attitude is not always the nicest.
The argument mentioned earlier was in regards to my attitude towards her. Apathy, as I found out earlier in my childhood, was the answer to those undesirable situations I found myself in. I don’t hate my sister–I just don’t have anything to really say to her. I don’t respect her–in my mind, I feel like she should have had the inner strength to break free from my parents and be her own [young] woman. And we have nothing in common outside of our bloodline: I’m a tomboy nerd, a control freak and one who is a workaholic. My sister is a fashionista diva (she’s got a million home-made glam shots), and (so it seems) would much rather spend her time fixing her hair rather than doing anything constructive. When we talk, it’s awkward on the phone. And the whole hanging out thing? Yeah, I find myself resenting that she can’t drive. So those days are down to being non-existent.
It’s not like I wouldn’t want her to be a best friend of mine. But to be completely honest with you, I’m a bit of a loner. I collect friends who don’t depend on my for their sole friendship requirement (the ones who have in the past have perished). And I’m far too lazy to put in the work of re-creating our relationship. Especially when she’s still living with my parents.
Anyway, I still have to go over there and now it’s going to be awkward, I’m sure. I actually want to just lay back down and not deal with the situation (is that bad?). Wish me luck.
